You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
