Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
