They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i think we sleep fucked last night...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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