dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
