I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
