Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
