i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
