My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
