why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
