Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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