HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
