I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
