it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
