turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
