she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
