I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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