I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
