i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
