If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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