Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize