so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
