And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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