I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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