I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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