a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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