he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize