I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
