dude i'm inner monologue high
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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