please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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