That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
