Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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