who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
