My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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