no, he came in my armpit
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize