I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize