I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
