So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's always time for handjobs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
