her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
