I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Randomize
