the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
