Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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