the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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