I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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