Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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