someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
