I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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