He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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