First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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