Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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