I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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