Just took my morning after pill in the library
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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