i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
