I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We left the knife in your bed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Two words: blizzard sex
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
