I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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