I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
whose parrot is this?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
