dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
