First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i think i just lost a toe
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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