on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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