i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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