hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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