If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
