Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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