i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
