today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Damn victory sex feels great
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
