Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
