Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
