He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
