Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
